Gaaaahh! 7 Seriously Scary Clown Dolls

Clowns and dolls have the power to terrify people without even trying. There’s just something innately creepy about them that no one can quite explain. So what happens when you combine the two – and furthermore, make the product of this unholy union deliberately sinister? You get scary clown dolls. Not exactly something you want to have in your house, unless of course you’re a really twisted person with issues.

What’s that? You are a really twisted person with issues? Well then, here are six delightfully evil clown dolls you can buy for your lovely home. Pick one up for Halloween, or enjoy the horror year-round. But whatever you do, don’t turn your back on them.

1. Alexander Scary Berry

Alexander Scary BerryI’m pretty sure this clown is dead – which I suppose could make it a really gratifying decoration to have on display if you really hate clowns. On the other hand, hideous things like this never stay dead, do they?

Alexander Scary Berry is a decorative creepy clown doll whose decaying flesh contrasts brilliantly with his sharp black-and-white patterned clothing. Set him on a shelf, or hang him on a wall (there’s a string in back for that purpose). The one thing you don’t want to do is stash him away, because then you’re just going to find yourself thinking about what he’s up to in the dark, unsupervised. This handcrafted doll is one-of-a-kind – probably a good thing, as the idea of multiple zombie clown dolls is too scary to contemplate.

2. House of 1000 Corpses Captain Spaulding Doll

Billy the Jigsaw PuppetThis doll inspired by House of 1000 Corpses isn’t disturbing in and of itself. In fact, other than the beard and the slightly menacing look on its face, it’s actually pretty cute. The scary part is what it represents – the hideous, crude, and murderous Captain Spaulding from the movie. Fans of Rob Zombie’s brand of horror will want to make room on their shelf for one of these.

3. Cadaver the Clown

Cadaver the ClownThis wicked plush doll is reminiscent of the clowns from the cult horror film Killer Clowns From Outer Space (highly recommended if you like campy movies). No longer in production, this collectible is rare and somewhat pricey. With its red nose and bulbous shoes, this 22-inch doll is the most circus-like of all the monstrosities on this list.

4. Tordu

TorduOf all the items on this list, I think this one comes closest to replicating the original, unadulterated weirdness of dolls and clowns. If I didn’t know better, I would think this was an actual antique, somewhat like the creepy ass dolls that used to frighten me when I was a kid. In fact, it’s been carefully crafted to look like an old, weathered artifact that has outlived multiple owners. Dubbed Tordu, this doll is based on the pantalone, a sinister figure of commedia del arte. While you can pose Tordu, he’s too finely crafted to be played with – but then, what kid would want to come near this anyway?

5. Billy the Jigsaw Puppet

Billy the Jigsaw PuppetI want to play a game. This is neither a clown nor a doll, but it’s makes the list anyway by virtue of its coolness. This little puppet is based on the tricycle-riding mascot of the popular Saw horror franchise. In those movies, he’s a ventriloquist’s dummy that serves as the harbinger of some inventive carnage at the hands of a philosophical killer known as Jigsaw. Here he’s just a little (9-inch) puppet that’s primarily intended as decoration.

6. Creepy Crazy Maxine

Creepy Crazy MaxineOkay, this evil clown doll list has turned into a bit of a sausage party. It’s time to show that female clown dolls can be just as horrible and dread-inspiring as male ones. Enter Creepy Crazy Maxine. This unique porcelain doll has bloodshot eyes and razor teeth. Keep away from children – not only because they might damage her, but because she might damage them (psychologically).

7. Krusty the Clown Treehouse of Horrors Doll

Krusty the Clown DollLet’s end on a lighter note, shall we? This talking Krusty the Clown doll is inspired by Clown Without Pity, a classic segment from the 1992 Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors (which itself was a spoof of a classic Twilight Zone episode). Sure, it’s a little bit old now (or crusty, you might say), but for fans of the show it’s still awfully cool. The doll has a switch in back that allows you to set it to Good, Evil, or a combination of the two. Unlike the Krusty doll in the Halloween episode, however, it doesn’t engage in mayhem when set to Evil – instead, it just makes the sort of surly comments Krusty the Clown is known for.

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